Hollywooditoria

The Jonas Brothers swear off sex with purity rings!

The retard trio… oops I meant the Jonas Brothers, nothing more than a repeat of the Hanson, the brunette version, are apparently the biggest teen-brother band in America. Don’t worry if you have no idea who they are. This just means that you are not a teenage girl or a retarded American. But if you were a schoolgirl of no more than 12 then trust me you would not only know who the Jonas Brothers are, but you would also drool your juices… aaa, I mean saliva, nothing more than saliva, for the three boys wonder. So what have the reincarnations of the three Stooges done to get into the news?

Well, believe it or not, but they are trying to grow hymens and turn into the teenage boy versions of Britney Spears. From what I am hearing the boys are going to change the band’s name into the Jonas Sister. And they have promised to remain virgins until marriage by wearing purity rings… on their fingers…

“On a quiet Friday morning in a dressing room at Madison Square Garden, the Jonas Brothers hold out their hands to show off their purity rings. Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas—the teen-pop trio who stand, at this very moment, on the brink of hugeness—wear the metal bands on their fingers to symbolize, as Joe puts it, “promises to ourselves and to God that we’ll stay pure till marriage.” Joe is 18. His ring is silver and adorned with a cross. “It actually ripped apart a little bit, just on the bottom, here, but I didn’t want to get a new one, because this one means so much to me,” he says. Nick, who is 15, says, “I got mine made at Disney World. It’s pretty awesome.” Kevin, at 20, is the oldest of the three, and while a punk-rock purity ring from Tiffany might represent the ultimate oxymoron, that’s exactly what he’s going for. His silver vow of abstinence is covered with studs. “It’s pretty rock and roll,” Kevin says. “It’s getting banged up a little bit because of the guitar”,” reads a message from the Details magazine.

What does this mean? That their fingers will remain virgins? Will the Jonas Sisters have hymens transplanted on their microscopic penises? Yes… As we all know that a woman’s dream is to marry a virgin boy! Sweat, fat, pig-like Buddha! And what about oral sex? What about handjobs? What about jerking off? I mean… Just how virgin are these boys girls trying to remain? I guess you’ll have to wait for the perfectly coiffed fashion victim siblings to discover alcohol and drugs and girls… or in their case boys… Does anal sex count as losing your virginity?

Maybe it’s a new pret-a-porter trend. Chastity is cool. Hey! I am a virgin too. Really I am! But the only purity rings I have been wearing are those made of girls lips wrapped tight around my…

Photograph by Jason Fulford